Thursday, March 19, 2009
my mind has been questioning about my capabilities these past weeks.
people always say...
"don't let anybody stop you from achieving your goals"or
"be satisfied with past accomplishment"or
"what past is past, learn from it and move on"in my case, these statements don't apply because.. i have a strong drive that i will eventually get what i want.. i strongly believe that i can do pretty much anything (InsyaAllah).. although some things require longer time to master or achieve but i will get there... i believe that no one could stop anybody's dream unless they let them to do so..
there are some qualities that i haven't acquire or maybe i haven't been exposed to.. but with enough curiosity i will know their existence insyaAllah..
ok, the issue here is...
my drive to be the best i can be could kill me.. well, the word 'kill' is kind of dramatic, but it is serious.. and it is exhausting too.. give and give and give every ounce of energy i have to reach the top... give and give until i am run out of it... also, most of the time i didn't realize the 'exhaustion' until it was almost none left. don't get me wrong, i enjoy what i am doing.. that is the thing, i don't know when to stop... because:-
1. i couldn't say to myself that i am doing to good job
2. i couldn't let go if i made a mistake. i do learn from my mistakes but it is still hunting me till now... (could've would've should've feeling)
3. i feel that i am not good enough (to who? to myself)
4. i feel that i must acquire some of the skills that i don't naturally have
5. i couldn't function if i don't have 5 things to do in one day
6. if i ask people to acknowledge my accomplishment, that just sounds so wrong. so, no acknowledgment plus me couldn't pat myself on the back... it is a crazy feeling.
7. whatever knowledge i already have or courses i have done, it is still not enough (as compare to who? i don't know, just feel there is always something else to complete)
list of strength = list of weakness
Dariah; 6:05 PM
